I apologize, but I’m going to go into preachy PSA mode: Speaking as a transsexual, I honestly believe that if you are trans and plan on having a relationship with a cisgendered person (or anyone, really), then it is imperative that your partner know of your transgenderism. This is not a topic to be taken lightly. If you don’t feel like you can tell your partner your deepest secrets - and especially if you don't feel SAFE telling your partner - you might want to consider rethinking things a little.
I understand why transfolk try to hide it. I really do. But I don’t think it’s right, personally. I actually don’t think it’s fair to the cis person (whether they’d be accepting or not), and it’s potentially very dangerous for the transperson. And further speaking as a transwoman happily married to a ciswoman for over four years (and together over seven), I can vouch that having the freedom to talk about the subject at any time with her, has been an incredibly relevant aspect of our relationship. I don’t think we would’ve lasted if I had to keep telling lies and keeping secrets and internalizing all my problems to hide my being trans from her.
And seriously, sorry for that. I’ve heard too many real life stories of relationships between trans and cis ending really badly for exactly THIS reason to not want to bring it to light.
Anyway, big moment of clarification, as we see into Aiken’s head a little. In your opinion, is the guy completely irredeemable, or might there be hope for the guy yet?
Whew… mouthful today.
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The person who commented on the last one totally called this...
I see Aiken as having trouble with it at first, but maybe the fear of losing those close relationships will help him come around. (I hope)
I could see him learning to cope with the trans thing through Rain and then totally getting back with Jessie... if she'd have him still.
He seems like he cares too much about Ryan/Rain to let that come between them permanently.
I had a feeling that Aiken's fiancé would be trans*, but I really wasn't sure of what his reaction would be... Poor Rain... :/ Maybe Rain can help him accept Jessie? That'd be a happy ending for everyone! He really does seem like he cares for Rain, but...
...because I totally called it.
Jokes aside, even being prejudiced, it looks like you're trying to make Aiken come off somewhat sympathetic.
I like that, too many people make the antagonists in their fiction to be one dimensional, iredeemably evil bastards. Seeing that you haven't is a pleasant change.
And yeah, I hope he comes around and grows to love his baby sister.
Called it. long ago.
And she is pretty. I think Aiken is reacting like a lot of cis people would unfortunately in these situations who are not open minded usually. Sad but true. Hopefully he will come around.
seems like he may come to accept his sister and maybe he will get back with jessica because even thought he was angry and was mad when the facts started to add up , he seemed very sad because of what he has said to jessica
I think it's a little more understandable for him to be freaked out at the prospect of being reminded about what happened.For it to happen again so soon, I can understand his position.
That being said, I still don't think that his reaction was on the proper scale. I mean, yeah, it's a sensitive topic but to completely blow your top and say horrible things like that, especially when there might be doubts is over the top.
I think it redeems him a bit, but not too much. He needs to be able to love Ryan/Rain even if it makes him uncomfortable.
On another topic, I understand why his girlfriend didnt want to say anything. It must be hard for someone who is trans to date. When is the best time to reveal that? Announcing it on the first date or something seems a bit much, and feels like it's crossing a line, telling a stranger something that intimate about yourself. But perhaps after that is too late? I just wondered what your perspective on that matter is.
Sorry for the long post.
Wow The Light of Anger blinded him in his past
Mainly anger is like the sunlight that blinds you while being calm and peaceful is like The Dark Shade that blocks the blinding light of anger
Ugh...I'm hoping Aiken tries to be a little more sensitive where it concerns Rain. I mean, as harsh as this sounds...you can find a new fiance, you can find a new girlfriend, you can find new friends, but family is forever. No matter how much time passes, they will still be related to you, even if you don't like them. Aiken NEEDS to try to understand, at least just for Rain's sake.
I don't think his relationship with Rain will survive. It will take years for them to come back together.
Personally, I believe it's best to relay this information as early as conceivably possible. Perhaps before dating at all. If nothing else, because you don't want to invest all your time and effort trying to attract someone who's going to just end up not understanding, or being an outright hater.
My personal experience on the matter: my wife knew I was trans before we even started dating. We were good friends, but I (ironically) didn't think I had a shot with her. So, I told her hoping she'd at least be an ally for me. Within the month, she asked me out. And with nothing to hide, the relationship has been full of openness and understanding and support (from both sides) as I believe relationships should be.
I personally do not believe trans-women of any status should have to out themselves at any stage. I mean, of course, it's typically optimal to come out prior to sex (especially if pre-op), but I don't see it as something that is a requirement in the relationship.
For me, it's better if the partner asks- shows that they are aware of being trans. Otherwise it makes it seem like their expectations- that everyone is cis, is true, and we are just an inconvenience to that.
I personally try to be open about it- it doesn't really bother me, though I also don't feel like I should have to be out to anyone, anytime, anywhere. Even with my partner, especially after I have my SRS (hopefully in the next few years), I don't think it's in any way harmful to not come out. If they can't handle it if or when I do, that's their problem, and not in any way my fault. I think placing the blame on the trans* partner is a bit much.
I also do hope Aiken can redeem himself, but his current behavior has done anything but. I personally do not believe I could forgive someone for treating someone the way he has without an extremely heartfelt apology. And even then, it'd be shaky ground on trust.
I think I'd have to agree with you. Honesty is the best policy. I told my husband right up front that I'm bisexual. While that's maybe not as much of a deal breaker as being transgendered, it's still taboo enough to not try and hide it. I don't think everyone needs to know, however. My family and close friends know, but none of my coworkers do.
Now as for Aiken, I knew there was something up with his fiance. I hope he can accept Rain and she can teach him about trans people. And maybe he'll even get back with Jess.
I had a feeling this might happen.
As someone who doesn't give a damn, I would accept this kind of thing well. That said, I haven't ever been in love before, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't care.
I realize some would react badly. Especially before surgery. Mostly due to confusion if it's gay or not.
Still, I don't know what's worse, this, or tranny chasers who just go after trans pre surgery and want to keep them like that.
It is something that needs to be told to someone you're dating though.
But, if it's friends or family or such... I'm conflicted. On the one hand, they should know. On the other, what sex you are shouldn't matter to people. So... Yeah...
As someone who has relatives that are LGBT, it's really important to have relatives who accept them. When I was told it was just as "oh ok" as saying "I need glasses". :/
I hope things do work well for you and everyone who goes through dealing with this kind of stuff.
Hugs! Hugs solve stuff!
Its a shame when the other person in the relationship plays the victim. Because clearly, we are just trying to trap them and laugh our way to (whatever bank it is we go to?). We are in a position of being screwed either way - either we tell them early (oh, your trans? Then I'm out), or we tell them late (you mean I've been dating a fucking GUY?).
"In your opinion, is the guy completely irredeemable, or might there be hope for the guy yet?"
Hard to say. With some education and perhaps a slap in the face from Fara, he may come to realize just how badly he hurt Jessica and will/has(by that point) Rain. Then again, he may just go into blind rage mode and run away from both situations, hurting everyone involved, and never even bothering to *try* and work it all out. I've personally experienced both, but the latter only from family.
I think he's redeemable. I can understand where he's coming from. He proposed and everything.
I know from my point of view, I'd be far more hurt that my fiancé/fiancée felt that they couldn't trust me enough to tell me, more than them actually being a transsexual. Though perhaps I've been lucky, I view people more on their merits and as people rather than just based on their sex. Not to say I'm blind to it at all, I just feel it's someone's personality that makes them attractive more than any physical feature.
One of my tutors, she was a laugh and always willing to help if anyone got stuck. I didn't really consider her as male (she was pre-transition), most of the time considered her female, but overall, just looked at her mainly as a person. I guess it just didn't seem to bother me all that much, unlike some other people there.
Also thank you for making this comic, I've been finding it rather interesting, and pleasantly surprised to see that a lot of the characters are well rounded. I remember starting the comic with slight apprehension, but glad I decided to read it anyway :D
tl:dr: I think he's redeemable. :D
(Also I hope I've used the correct terms in the correct places, I'll be the first to admit I'm not incredibly well clued up and don't want to offend anyone by getting it wrong, since ignorance or not, I know it can still hurt people.)
I bet he didn't REALLY say "fricking"
@GreenKrog: Exactly. I think alot of the claims about how trans women should out themselves in the relationship is kind of like slut-shaming.
"Oh, you knew by wearing a short dress, men would hit on you and want sex."
"Oh, you knew he (or she) would think you're really a man (or woman) and be upset, you should have not 'hid' it at all."
"... it was a little more intense than I expected and I wasn't prepared for it ..."
this one would say that is the fulcrum of te seesaw of Aiken's redemption or not.
if this is true; he is.
he hasn't dumped her, he hasn't told her to go someplace unpleasant, and he's recognized he's in way over his head.
if his feelings for her are true ...
if her feelings for him are true ...
then it's just a matter of patience and compassion.
something we all need every now and then.
If I was dating a transperson, I would feel kind of hurt if they hid that from me for months on end. It'd be fine if they told me early on, though. Besides, if you were dating someone who wouldn't accept you, wouldn't it be better to know that early on?
@Kingdomgirl94: "That being said, I still don't think that his reaction was on the proper scale. I mean, yeah, it's a sensitive topic but to completely blow your top and say horrible things like that, especially when there might be doubts is over the top."
You know those "horrible things" are mainstream opinions, even among LGBT-friendly people, right?
Also, the best time to tell is immediatly. As a safety measure, even: some men WILL get violent if they find out they dated/kissed/slept with a trans woman. So, most of the times the first date is the right time to tell. Even if you don't, you should gauge their opinion on the matter and tell as soon as possible. Some people will have problems with that, no matter how much they like you before they know.
EDIT: As a straight man from another country (I don't even know wether "straight" is OK to say), I can't possibly know how hard it is to tell someone you're trans. But I KNOW it would go against years of upbringing to most men, it would be confusing, and it would be even a bit dishonest to hold it for too long. Also, Aiken's reaction IS realistic; Aunt Fara's carefulness with Rain's sexuality sugests the family is prejudiced.
Stupid question. Maybe I missed it somewhere...what does cis?
Not a stupid question at all. Outside of trans culture, you don't really hear the word much at all, so I find I know lots of people who don't know what it is.
Anyway, cis is essentially the opposite of trans. Cisgendered (or cis) is just your average person whose gender identity simply matches their physical sex at birth.
Your PSA is a good one. One thing you do not lie about is your gender when trying to have what one would assume is a sexual relationship with people.
I mean, seriously? Are you nuts?
At least now we know Aiken's anger isn't exactly unreasonable. Intense but expected. It probably felt like a violation even. Imagine all the sexual things he probably did with Jessie before.
Sad to say I've heard stories of that happening. Where people find out after they've already been intimate with the person.
This is so sad...you can just see Aiken wanting to NOT know, because he does love her...ignorance is bliss.
Wtf? Get over yourself. It's no wonder she didn't tell you before. Rain, too. What an a hole. >:(