Mirror

posted September 20th, 2015, 5:24 pm


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September 20th, 2015, 5:40 pm

LittleLynn84

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Common trans problem: mirrors suck. Especially when you haven't started hormones yet. Especially when you don't believe you pass (which for the record doesn't mean you don't; we're just our own worst critics). Especially when someone chops your hair off (hopefully that last one is a bit less common).

We've seen her done up already though. We know that once she gets dressed and fixes herself up, she really should be fine, right? But as I said, we're our worst critics. This is a very real fear of a lot of trans folks. And if that fear is there, it's hard to shake.

Back in my pre and early transition days, there were a lot of times I didn't go out to do something I really wanted to do because I was afraid I didn't pass well enough. Why? Because I caught my jawline in the mirror at the wrong angle. Or I didn't like the way the dress I wanted to wear looked on me at that moment. Or all the makeup in the world could do nothing for my five o'clock shadow for some reason even though it totally worked fine yesterday. It was always stupid stuff like that that could ruin my whole day. But that speaks volumes of how debilitating dysphoria can be.

I thankfully don't get like this anymore. I mean, I'll still have days where I don't like the way I look or feel (and contrary to what some people think, I still get misgendered often enough), but I don't want it to prevent me from doing what I want to do anymore. I will go out regardless. I have to. I can't let fear rule my life, or I'll miss out on life. So please try to be brave, my trans sisters and brothers. Don't listen to mirrors; they're seriously jerks sometimes. Instead, listen to me who KNOWS you can pass even if I don't know you. Listen to your supportive friends who want you to be happy. Listen to the part of YOU who wants you to go out and be you. You can do it. :)

So... downer page, I know. But hopefully the motivational speech makes up for it at least a little. I really, really promise this chapter won't be as rough as the last one; this was just a very important trans experience I thought I should shed light on.


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August 20th, 2017, 12:11 pm

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view Nesagsar's profile

September 20th, 2015, 6:35 pm

Nesagsar

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YES YOU CAN! But if you decide not to that's fine too, you have reasons.

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view TallMist's profile

September 20th, 2015, 6:35 pm

TallMist

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I'm glad this is a page and that you did go into it, because this I really relate to.
I don't get to wear the clothes I want or put on make up or anything. I can't yet. If and when my dad knows, then hopefully, but my mom simply won't allow it until my dad does know and I swear she's trying to put it off as long as possible. However if/when I do get to try and pass, I just don't simply see how I could. Pimples everywhere, my facial structure, my hair not liking to stay in place, and my voice I can't make sound feminine at all. And then my mom would be a problem again. Knowing her she'd probably be all like "*Groan* Why are you worrying so much?" or "No. I'm willing to let you go out like this, but don't overdo it." or "Stop being so persistent!" or whatever. At least, that's how I feel she'd act.

Even on hormones, if I get lucky enough to get them, IDK how feminine I'd look at all.

I do, however, hope that, if I get to dress up how I want, I get to pass, but I just highly doubt it, to be honest.


On another note I cannot wait for this chapter to kick off. I have a feeling it's gonna be a good one.

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September 20th, 2015, 9:20 pm

Anonymous11243

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@TallMist: Don't worry about the voice, there's speech lessons for that. Look at this video of a transgender woman talking, it's truly an inspiration: https://youtu.be/a02_j7PGTPI
I would never have guessed she was trans

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view Nesagsar's profile

September 21st, 2015, 12:38 pm

Nesagsar

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@TallMist: I'm genderfluid so it isn't consistent but I only pass as my male birth gender. Even if I passed as female I wouldn't be an attractive female. I'm not even sure what passing as a-gender would look like and it would likely be prohibitive at work.

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September 20th, 2015, 6:59 pm

Alison (Guest)

I get this all the time

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I've only recently started hormones, and i live with family, so i cant dress femininely or wear makeup, so mirrors are a bitch for me. I always tell myself that it'll get better, just keep my chin up. Having long-ish hair helps, but aback a few months go, when it was short, i REALLY hated them, so i know exactly how this feels.

Poor girl. it'll get better for her, though, i know it. She just has to keep her chin up.

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September 20th, 2015, 7:47 pm

Aaron (Guest)

Revisiting

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This is all somewhat reminiscent of Chapter One so far in my opinion- which I personally find really cool as it's basically revisiting Rain's first day again in a sense. I'm assuming this was your intention, but it's still great even if it wasn't. Keep up the good work!

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September 20th, 2015, 7:55 pm

LittleLynn84

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@Aaron:

It is indeed my intention. While it's not going to be a "repeat" or anything, there will be a few parallels between this chapter and Chapter 1. ^_^

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view Fairportfan's profile

September 20th, 2015, 8:00 pm

Fairportfan

You can do it.

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You look fine, sweetie.

Ask people who love you to tell you honestly.

Fara's not gonna tell you you look okay if she thinks you don't - because she knows what will happen if you don't pass at school.

Which you will.

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September 20th, 2015, 8:07 pm

vlad (Guest)

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Im sad your feeling down Rain, but on the bright side, it's apparently my birthday!:D

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September 20th, 2015, 8:14 pm

Not A Vampire (Guest)

Mirror

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Mirrors are just the worst. I don't like to even be in a room that contains a mirror.
At least it can be made into a joke about being a vampire, because I don't like the sun either.

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September 20th, 2015, 8:20 pm

Aaron (Guest)

Repeat

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@LittleLynn84 Of course not! Can't wait to see how this all plays out. ^^

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September 20th, 2015, 8:30 pm

Grenartia

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A hopefully helpful hint I've discovered, is that for those of us who have to shave faces and don't want to, it is possible to shave without a mirror, by shaving in the shower, so at least you can handle the problem without looking at a face you don't want to look at. Checking for missed spots is as easy as feeling around. You don't even need shaving cream (at least I don't, in my experience).

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view LittleLynn84's profile

September 20th, 2015, 9:25 pm

LittleLynn84

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@Grenartia:

I tend to do my shaving in the shower. I don't have to look at my face while I do it, and the constantly streaming water cleans up nicks and any excess hair clinging to my face. It's double good! ;D

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September 21st, 2015, 12:38 pm

Grenartia

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@LittleLynn84:

Crap. I accidentally a few words, but that's basically what I was suggesting.

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September 20th, 2015, 9:02 pm

mishy (Guest)

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Ugh. totes agree with the "Mirrors suck". Some days, I honestly just cover them up in my bathroom because I can't handle seeing me. Hopefully that will change after I start hormones.
Thanks for the motivational speech, though <3

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view Ranger's profile

September 20th, 2015, 10:55 pm

Ranger

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As a closeted transwoman, I can tell you: I got very, VERY good at disassociating the me in the mirror from the real me.

I could look at it, and go, "Well, that's the person the world sees", but I always had a recognition that it wasn't me. My face might move in the mirror as I move my face, reflecting me, but the mirror-me was never me.

...But weirdly enough, mirror-LIKE surfaces (like, say, the metal on a drinking fountain) that are just vivid enough to see my facial structure yet just blurry enough not to see the details? Those? THOSE trigger me, bigtime. Dunno why, might have something to do with Uncanny Valley.

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September 11th, 2016, 2:42 pm

Sarah (Guest)

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@Ranger: For me, it's the rare moment when the 3DS has nothing to display. I then see my reflection on the screen and it really sucks!

Which double-sucks because the 3DS is what I play when I'm lying in bed because my dysphoria is really bad. It doesn't help that I've grown a neglect beard...

Not that my guy-side likes having a beard either. We're planning to get rid of it at least. Just can't do anything about that on a Sunday.

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September 21st, 2015, 12:23 am

MacabreDerek (Guest)

Necessary

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First time poster. I've had the privilege of interacting with an trans individual who came out to me, and Rain was used as a springboard to that.

I wanted to thank you Jocelyn for creating this series, it has been a very useful point of discussion to allow us both to open up communications, and I am grateful for the contribution your work gave to that.

Speaking of this page, I feel it was very necessary. It show's Rain at her most vulnerable, and that reminder that she still hasn't started to transition, so anything might out her. I really feel her hair was one of the biggest parts of her identity, the thing that she relied on to pass, and now without it, she is forced to find how else she can develop in doing so.

Lastly, I had a question: Earlier you made mention (WAY earlier) about fan comics and such. Are you still open to that, or have you become very guarded with your intellectual property? While in no way would I hope to write a script that was from the Trans perspective, my own experiences from outside it I'd like to translate to a short webcomic format, and I would like it to happen among the characters that surround Rain, but not to her. However I do not want to pursue that project unless I have the creator's consent.

Thank you for everything Jocelyn. Best wishes.

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September 21st, 2015, 2:27 am

Guest

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I know this feeling all too well. :S

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September 21st, 2015, 2:42 am

Rain Dreamer (Guest)

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Uggh I know that dread and hatred of mirrors and pictures too. I refuse to have any kind of picture taken of me now (except for legal ones, like for passports), and aim to destroy all the pictures I had in the past once I transitioned.

I just don't want to think about it...

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September 21st, 2015, 10:24 am

Chrissy (Guest)

Shaving

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I suppose I'm lucky in that I don't have a problem in the mirror as long as I get certain things out of sight. I do a much better/more complete job shaving when I use a mirror. If only it wouldn't leave a shadow.

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September 21st, 2015, 8:31 pm

Medway (Guest)

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This happened big time to me just this morning. Usually it's not so bad, but today.... Ugh.

Jocelyn, thank you so much for portraying so much raw emotion. It's so relatable, so touching, and I can't help but feel as though I'm experiencing Rain's ups and downs alongside her, as I go through my own. Thank you.

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September 27th, 2015, 6:03 pm

Anonymous (Guest)

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This really makes me want to see a version of this strip without the towel

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